Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
The transition from taking Step 3 to taking Step 4 is immediate. There's no pause. There's no come back next week and let's start Step 4. The Big Book says "we launched out on a course of vigorous action", "our decision [in Step 3] was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort". Without adding any additional context, its impossible to interpret these instructions beyond face value. Do it, and do it now! If you want what the first 100 got then immediately follow your decision in Step 3 with the effort on a personal inventory.
Too many come in and out of a program of recovery and 1-2-3-Done. They take steps 1 through 3. They start feeling better. Some aspects of their lives start to improve. They think to themselves, "okay, I've got this." But, if they are a real alcoholic the day will come they will drink again. This story is repeated over and over again, ad infinitum.
I like to refer back to the story of Jim. Bill W. told us about him in Chapter 3: More About Alcoholism. Jim came to Alcoholics Anonymous after a most recent commitment to an asylum following a violent, drunken spree. pg. 35, "We told him what we knew of alcoholism." He learned about the powerless nature of his condition, Step 1; "and the answer we had found." Step 2. "He made a beginning." We will learn that Step 3 is but a beginning. "His family was re-assembled, and he began to work as a salesman for the business he had lost through drinking. All went well for a time, but he failed to enlarge his spiritual life. To his consternation, he found himself drunk half a dozen times in rapid succession."
You made the decision in Step 3 already to turn your will and your life over. That was just the decision. You're the frog still sitting on the log and now it's time to jump. Time for action. Steps 4 through Step 9 are the HOW we turn our will and our lives over.
Read Step 4 in Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions. This is my favorite chapter in the 12&12. Bill W. will provide us with some of his best spiritual writing about the basic instincts of life. All of which are absolutely necessary for our survival, are God given, and therefore also a GOOD thing. It is when taken in excess that the satisfaction of these instincts can be harmful and for alcoholics, even deadly. As we search for the exact nature behind our inventory, referencing Step 4 in the 12&12 has been invaluable for me.
Re-read page 63 in the Big Book, last paragraph, through the end of page 71.
There's a lot of discussion interpreting the Big Book and the program of recovery found in Alcoholics Anonymous inside the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's experience, strength, and hope in the stories of those who have walked before us. Always try and remember that the program of recovery is still in the book. Step 4 is quite meticulously outlined for the alcoholic to take. Read when it says to read. Consider/think when it says to think, and write, when it says to write. I'm of the opinion that anything that helps and supports a program of recovery is a good thing. Our sponsors and supplemental materials are a good thing. When in doubt, read the book. When it comes to Step 4, there are a lot of similar looking worksheets that have evolved with a series of columns and column headings that are supportive. I'll affix a few to a library of documents in the future. For me, I'm finding that a spiral bound notebook of white paper and a black pen work just fine. "We placed them before us in black and white." pg. 67. I open it up working with 2 pages across, a full left side and right side and have four columns; 2 on the left, and 2 on the right.
RESENTMENTS INVENTORY
pg. 64 in the Big Book, "Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick." pg. 66 "It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die."
Do you need a more dire warning? I accepted the life and death nature of this journey very early in my recovery. I had fully accepted when I was drinking that I would die as a result of alcohol. I simply couldn't stop even though I desperately wanted to. Alcoholics Anonymous has given me a new design for living, for which I remain truly grateful. I have a choice now to either die, doomed to a death in the grips of alcohol's control, or live a life based on spiritual principles. I choose the latter and from that derive the willingness to do the work.
COLUMN 1 - I'm Resentful At:
pg. 64, "In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principle with who we were angry." That's it. Don't complicate it. Make a list. When you're done, you're done. Sure, you can go back and add some things when they come to you but most likely all of the important names are going to come out rapidly. These are the bricks in the wall that stand between you and your God. If you're going to tear them down you must see them first.
COLUMN 2 - The Cause:
Once you have completed column 1, and only after you've completed column 1, go back and set next to each name a few notes on what it was that happened. You really do not have to write out your life story here. This is for you to jog your own memory.
COLUMN 3 - Affects My:
Time to think. Review your list. pg. 64 "We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships, (including sex) were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were "burned up." This is also where you may choose to re-read Step 4 in the 12&12 to refresh your thinking on those basic human instincts.
pg. 65 "On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with?" We were/are angry, sore, burned up for a reason. What is it that was attacked? Sometimes this seems silly and often that's the point. Simply putting these resentments on paper and looking at them was enough to set us free from that resentment. Others may need more work, but for now your job is to list them and examine what it was that was affected in us that was hurt or threatened. I'll have sponsees say to me, "I don't need to write this or that down because its so silly." I usually respond with, "WRITE IT DOWN". It's taking up head space still for a reason and while it may seem silly once you've looked at it we are taking a thorough inventory. We are setting it to paper, NOT making a mental list.
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pg. 65 "When we were finished we considered it carefully." It's time to reflect on the work we have done up to this point and return to our dire warning. pg. 66 "If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison." We often say that the alcoholic does not have the ability to practice justified anger. Frankly, the alcoholic is prone to take justification to an extreme. I've never known an alcoholic who can't find a justification for their behavior and their own resentments towards others. But, for the alcoholic, this justification that holds on to these resentments is a matter of life and death. The alcoholic simply doesn't have the luxury, nor the skills, to practice justified anger.
pg. 66 "We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill."
And, we are offered what I have found to be one of the most valuable tools in the AA program of recovery. pg. 66 "We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
If you have ever dealt with a family member suffering from Dementia, early Alzheimer's, or other memory ailments you have undoubtedly been faced with words and actions that would otherwise be deemed hurtful. However, in these situations we understand the context from which they came. The person is actually sick. When it comes to resentments, we ask you to take the exact same position. Look at that person who has harmed us as no less than spiritually sick. pg. 67 "We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one."
And again on pg. 552 we are given this experience, "If you have resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it everyday for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate, understanding and love."
COLUMN 4 - Where were we to blame?
pg. 67 "Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight."
At this point in the resentments inventory the sponsee often says, "I didn't do anything. They hurt me." But, we're asking you to set the other person aside entirely. So your boyfriend/girlfriend cheats on you. It's happened before but you made up and this last time it was really bad. You feel betrayed. You didn't do anything, right? Did you selfishly put yourself in a position to be hurt because you liked what you were getting when they weren't cheating?
pg. 62 "Selfishness--self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt."
In our quest to uncover the exact nature of our wrongs, don't be surprised that when looking only at ourselves, that some aspect of self will be at the root. Referring to Step 4 in the 12&12, where did we take our own natural desires for sex, security, ambition to the extreme? Where did the 7 deadly sins manifest? Were we selfishly pursuing lust, gluttony, or greed? Acting out from a position of sloth or wrath, envy or pride?
FEARS INVENTORY
Looking back at the columns on page 65 in the Big Book "Notice that the word "fear" is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble. (pg. 67)"
The next part of Step 4 is our Fears Inventory. It's a term worth "geeking" out on a bit. There are countless studies and opinions on the subject. Fears are both rational and irrational. A rational fear of snakes might save you from approaching a venomous snake you don't recognize or a fear of heights stop you from jumping off a high building. Fears can be real or imagined. For sure fears have two things in common. They are a unique, individual experience and they are always based on an uncertain future.
COLUMN 1 - What are you afraid of?
pg. 68 "We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them." Just like the first column of our Resentments Inventory its time to simply make a list and stop when you're done with this first column.
COLUMN 2 - Why we are afraid?
pg. 68 "We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse."
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pg 68 "We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear." If it's not yet obvious at this point in your recovery, we ask God to remove our fear through prayer while asking for His will to be revealed.
SEX CONDUCT INVENTORY
pg. 69 "We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?" Without sex our species doesn't survive. This basic sexual instinct is natural, God given, and at its essence, good. "[W]e tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test--was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed."
COLUMN 1 - Whom had we hurt?
Just like earlier inventories, make a list in column 1 before moving on to the next column.
COLUMN 2 - What did we do?
pg. 69 "We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate?" "Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness?"
COLUMN 3 - What should I have done instead?
pg. 69 "Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it."
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pg. 69 "In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test--was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them." "Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. in meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it." This is one of those moments where Bill's writing is enough. No additional comments are necessary.
pg. 70 "To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache."
HARM DONE TO OTHERS INVENTORY
On page 69 we read, " We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it."
As a matter of practice, its usually easier to separate non-sex related harms from others as in regards to our sexual relations, it is helpful to group them together so as to help us shape our ideal for that sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. Other harms done can then be listed and are often set up as a fourth category to your personal inventory.
COLUMN 1 - Whom had we hurt?
Just like earlier inventories, make a list in column 1 before moving on to the next column.
COLUMN 2 - What did we do?
pg. 69 "We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate?" "Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness?"
COLUMN 3 - What should I have done instead?
pg. 69 "Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it."
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pg. 70 "If we have been thorough about our personal inventory, we have written down a lot. We have listed and analyzed our resentments. We have begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look on them as sick people. We have listed the people we have hurt by our conduct, and are willing to straighten out the past if we can."
Remember, stay in the step you're on. This is your inventory. You're on Step 4. You are being rigorously honest in this step with yourself. No where in Step 4 does it say only to write down what you're willing to share with your sponsor. You're not on Step 5. Be completely honest with yourself and put it to paper. There's time for Step 5 considerations later.
When I finished my 4th Step, this is the prayer I wrote for myself:
"God, please help me to be free of anger, hate, and resentment and to see that this world and its people have both influenced and controlled me. Show me that the wrong doing of others, fancied or real, has the power to actually kill me. Help me to master my resentments understanding that the people who wrong me were perhaps spiritually sick. Help me show those I resent the same tolerance, pity, and patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. Help me to be an instrument of your love so where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness. Where there is discord I may bring harmony. That where there is error I may bring truth. Grant that I may understand rather than be understood. Help me to avoid retaliation or argument. I know I can't be helpful to all people, but at least show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. I am asking you to give them everything I want for myself. Help me to feel compassion, understanding and love for each of them. I pray that they will receive everything they need. Thank you God for your help and strength with these resentments.
Amen"
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